I haven't been this sober since birth.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
