Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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