Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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