he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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