Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
