I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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