be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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