When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
