I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
