i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
