And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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