Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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