Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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