ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My bed smells like the plague
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
