Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize