Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
