My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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