1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
