when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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