just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
