It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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