ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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