dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize