I cannot find my penis.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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