my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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