I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
