we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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