Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
