just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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