I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
