I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize