A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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