I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You pole danced in your parka.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
