Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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