sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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