Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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