Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize