Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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