Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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