I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
