theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
