I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
