Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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