My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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