I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
