everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
