Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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