Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
