He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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