dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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