Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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