you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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