I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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