I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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