sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
