dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
