i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
