omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
