I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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