you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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