1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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