you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
