he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
